Feelings... nothing more (or less) than feelings
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the June 2, 2023 Newsletter.
How do you feel? Do you know? And why does it matter?
I'm in a year with a lot of feelings! Many of them are good - joy, wonder, surprise, excitement. Some of them are stereotypically "not" - frustration, overwhelment, uncertainty. I know (and I'm told by those around me) that I am handling this complexity better than I have in years past. That's both reassuring and immensely gratifying. I am certain that my research, learning, and intentional practice since starting Resolute has been valuable in building my emotional intelligence skills. So has my creativity practice, facilitated by Mary Hendra.
The Mood Meter (also available as an app)
At the end of a busy day, the Calm app is a frequent friend to me. The STOP practice is invaluable, as is a good walk. I have noticed my walking pace varies by as much as 3 minutes/mile depending on my state of mind. When I use Marc Brackett's Mood Meter, I recognize that speed definitely come with "high energy" feelings - both pleasant and unpleasant!
What gets in the way? Anger can flare at the strangest times, disrupting our desire (and ability) to be clear about how we feel. I've certainly wrestled with anger over the years, and every one of my personal and professional relationships has improved since I strengthened my ability to modulate that emotion.
We can learn how to help ourselves. I know that anticipation increases my happiness and decreases my worry. I've trained people around me to let me express anticipation - and not just see it as obsessive planning or a need for control! Once you identify your needs, you can devise strategies to help yourself, and persuade others to help you, too.
The authors of one of the articles linked above (Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy) are the authors of two marvelously accessible books exploring the topic: No Hard Feelings and Big Feelings.
So where are all these feelings coming from? Here's the Easter Egg for close readers. At work: I'm learning how to pivot from starting a business to sustaining one. It's not always easy (though it's usually fun). At home: I'm getting married in August. No one is more surprised (or delighted) than I!
Appreciation - it's not the same for everyone.
The appreciation, gratitude, and celebration wall in my office
We've had a number of fascinating conversations lately about appreciation at work. Remote and dispersed work means appreciation has to be more intentional. Economic uncertainty and recent wage inflation makes "just give them a raise" less likely. And appreciation means different things to different people - team leaders have to know their audience.
The first time I managed a large team, it took me a while to learn they each had a different language of appreciation. At the end of a big deadline, one person loved getting an extra day off. Another was thrilled with a spot bonus, while a third loved the flowers on their desk that showed others they were appreciated. It's subtle, but the good news is there's a rubric!
The Great Place to Work Institute has a useful breakdown of the five common languages here, and you can learn more about the Motivating by Appreciation (MBA) Inventory here. It's really helpful to know your own language, as well as that of those you manage. Mine, by the way, is Words of Appreciation. My delightful fiancé is mostly patient with my occasional explicit request to "say nice things to me". And I am very fortunate to have clients and friends who send notes of appreciation, as well, though I doubt they know how often I turn back to reread them. I'd love to hear what your language is - please do share!
"Relationships are based on four principles: respect, understanding, acceptance, and appreciation."
— Mahatma Gandhi